Disclaimer: OC, slash hints.
Second Age. Year XXXX
You wouldn’t believe what happened today!!! The BIGGEST, MOST SHOCKING and DISTURBING news broke out all over Valinor, and further proved my family’s so screwed up. Granduncle Fea finally admitted he had a brief affair with Melkor, and they somehow ended up with triplets. So the whole Exile of the Noldor fiasco was the result of a nasty child custody battle. Thanks a lot Granduncle for getting us all cursed because Melkor denied you visitation rights! They winded up in foster care anyway.
Well, I’m soooo embarrassed to show my face outside because Valinor Enquirer printed the family secret on FRONTPAGE, saying this is the biggest sleuth of the Age. And all my Vanyar friends are making fun of me, and saying I’ll be sailing to ME to hit on Sauron next. The Telerin Public Broadcast decided to air a documentary of Granduncle Fea’s affair for the Kinslaying Widows and Orphans Charity telethon, which worked him up and sued them for privacy infringement, and the company counter-sued him for kinslaying reparation. No surprise Granduncle is his own lawyer. And Morgoth refused to comment. And Auntie Nerdanel went to the Void to kick his sorry bums but she’s now under restraining order from Manwe since she bruised Morgoth so bad Este had to spend the day to patch him up. hehe, like Eru’s wise proverb ‘For every action, there’s a reaction”, we should watch out for karma. Go Auntie Nerdanel!
Gildor son of Finrod Inglor
Second Age Year XXXX
Just when I thought my extended family couldn’t embarrass me more with their crazed sex lives, Granduncle Fingolfin finally broke down and admitted over dinner after 2000 years of pestering from Grandaunt Anaire that he got hots for his half-brother and the whole oath was a shamble to chase him. That so like ruined our noble image of him, and Aunt Anaire just smack him right on the left cheek and ran home crying. Uncle Fingolfin decided to sign up for counseling and Grandfather gave him his moral support, saying it’s healthy to get that out of his system. Yeah…snickers.
Anyway, so mom was very suspicious after this incident. I mean she was suspicious before but now she’s convinced the Finwe family all got dirty laundry in the closet, and that includes dad. Poor dad, he was under the grill for two days and finally admitted he enjoyed Beor palming his behind, which is why he became Friend of Men. I’m rolling my eyes now. But the best part…or shall I say the most mind boggling, and disgusting part was Sauron hitting on him while he was locked up in Tol-in-Gaurhoth, and demanded him posing for the centerfold of PlayElf magazine Angband Edition. Ewwwww….I didn’t know dad was secretly an Elf bunny. I hope he didn’t dance at Beleriand Bar for money to build Nargothrond. Now dad’s an emotional wreck, he will keep Uncle Fin company during counseling.
What’s next on the dirty family secret list I wonder? Miriel was really Olwe in disguise?
And me, I’m so ashamed by my family that I’ve decided to runaway to Middle Earth to have a fresh start. No more finger pointing from those prudish Vanyar! Yeah, like Uncle Ingwe has never never paraded his secret stash of Valinor Secret pink lingerie before Manwe. I swore I saw him checked into Motel Formenos with Fionwe’s hand groping his rear when this neighbor kid and me rode to an underage lager bash.
PS: I hope Sauron doesn’t kidnap me for indecent photos to fund his evil empire. Wish me luck.
Gildor son of Finrod Inglor
Third Age Year XXXX
I thought by getting away from my family, things would be normal. But this e-mail I got from dad must be the ROCKBOTTOM. For years we have wonder who’s Gil-galad’s mom? The secret has spilled…..drum rolls….Uncle Maedhros! What the @%@%!?!? Since when can a male elf become pregnant? That like goes against the principle of cosmos. Turns out, as explained by Uncle Aegnor, as he was the one who witnessed the truth in Mandos and gossiped it to everybody, Morgoth accidentally used the wrong spell to prolong Uncle Maed’s torment on the precipice. But I suspect Morgoth caved to Uncle Fingon’s horrid singing, and put the spell so Uncle Fingon will shut up and leave.
Dad said Mandos was in an uproar when Gil-galad reunited with his parents. Granduncle Fea chased Uncle Fingon thrice around the border of Mandos waving Ringil theatrically and threatened to castrate Uncle Fingon for ruining his son’s virtue. Hello, I think this posturing is a little late! We knew they were an item after that rescue stunt. Cousin Gil-galad accused Uncle Maed of early abandonment, which forever traumatized him and prevented him from maintaining a normal love relationship. hehe we all know he’s a loser, and has to look inside the family to find dates. Uncle Maed told him to blame Uncle Fingon’s terrible naming skills. Uncle Turgon called Cousin Gil-galad a bastard. He’s still a bit sore over Cousin Celebrimbor dumping him for Gil-galad. Cousin Maeglin offered to make up for his betrayal to Uncle Turgon and got boxed in the ears by his dad Eol.
Yeah we know now why he’s called Gil-galad…snickers…and why he’s drooling at the Star of Hope every night and has a fetish for anyone’s name with a star. Poor Cousin Elrond was crushed. He thought he was free from lusting over the Feanorian branch of the family by turning to Gil-galad. I mean he and Elros used to fight over who sleeps in Uncle Maglor’s bed, and Elrond always got shoved out by the more muscular Elros and had to crash with Uncle Maed. But fate is funny, and honestly I think all these inbreeding are not good for everyone’s mental health.
I think I’m the only sane one in this family.
Yes I used daddy’s nickname for two reasons:
One: No one in ME can easily associate me with the crazed Finwe family. The ones who knew are on the need to know basis. Dad said just in case of emergency, there would be family around to collect my remains. Thanks dad.
Two: Sauron won’t know I’m the son of his first crush. My private parts haven’t star in ME denizens’ dirty collections yet.